With This Ring

A faucet dripped in the bathroom down the hall with a repetitive "tap, tap" against the porcelain sink. Any other night Julie would have sent Scott down the hall to stop the offending noise, but asking him for any domestic help was not a consideration.

They both feigned sleep while fully aware of the consciousness of the other person. A thick wall of awkwardness sat on the bed between them. Julie gnawed on a cuticle as the evenings conversation ran through her mind.

Why did I need to know every detail? Why couldn't I just leave it alone?

She had known something was off as soon as she saw the flowers. Scott had always considered flowers too conventional and prided himself on creative gifts. The stench of roses would permanently be associated with life damaging news.

"So that time you had to work late and missed my parents anniversary dinner?"

"Yes."

"Was it in our bed?"

"No, never. She has her own place."

A smoldering ember of fury ignited in the pit of her belly. She sat up, fists clenched, feet dangling off the bed side in the cold dark. Scott stiffened at the abrupt movement giving her a small satisfaction.

You should be scared.

 Her tolerance of being in the same room evaporated. Julie shoved herself off the bed and trudged down the hall. She crawled onto the couch, hugged her knees to her chest and felt the merciful numbness of shock melt away. Raw pain gripped her organs as a sense of betrayal, resentment and heartache clamped down on her senses. Comprehension manifested as hot tears and slid down her cheeks while a violent tremor rippled from her core.

She wept freely, indulging in the release of the emotions she had denied since Scott's confession. She was so wholly absorbed in the process she didn't hear him settle in the chair across the room. He shifted his posture evoking a creak in a chair joint and alerting Julie to his presence.

"What do you want?" She wiped her face with her sleeve.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Appalled at his ridiculous assessment of current state of mind, Julie could only manage a laugh tinged with hysteria.

"I take it you're not," he muttered.

"Okay? You want to know if I'm okay?" She threw her hands into the air. "No! No I'm not okay, Scott. You don't unload your conscience on your wife by telling her you're a cheating whore and expect her to just get over it!"

"I didn't expect you to be happy about it, but I thought if I was honest we could work to fix things and..."

"Oh so you're honest now? Four months of sneaking around and lying are meant to be erased by one night of admitting what a pig you are?" Each word filled with more venom than its predecessor, she knew she was on the brink of erupting. She clenched her jaw to cease her attack.

Scott's shoulders raised and lowered with defeated sigh. A streetlamp filtered though a crack in the front curtains casting an luminescent orange across his strained face.

"I don't know the right thing to say or do, but I can't take back what I've done. I can regret it, resent myself for hurting you and listen to every nasty, ugly thing you need to say to me for as long as you need to say them. There's only one thing I don't think I can live with."

Julie met his eyes at his pause.

"I can't stand the thought of you hating me." His voice had dropped to a whisper, his proud frame crumpled in the chair resembling a boyish version of himself.

Julie averted her gaze before pity joined her barrage of emotions. She turned his words over in her mind and asked herself if she did hate him. She could plainly acknowledge anger, disgust and the intense pain of heart break. Hate was a long term commitment and she was barely five hours into the process of evaluating her thoughts and feelings.

"I don't know right now," her whisper matched his own. "I can't promise you that."

He straightened in his chair and cleared his throat, a defensive note to his voice. "I also want to remind you that we promised to love each other no matter what came our way. We took vows in a church, before God and our families."

His word struck her like a fist to her jaw. She shook her head to rid herself of the stun which was quickly replaced by a primal rage."You sanctimonious bastard!"

"What?" His head snapped towards her, eyes wide.

"How dare you!" She screamed, all restraint sworn off. "You hypocritical, cherry picking asshole! You want to make this a religious matter? Preach to me about the sanctity of vows that you trashed and then turn me into a villain before I have a chance to comprehend what's happened to my life? How about "forsaking all others"? Did you just think that was under the optional column?" She gasped for breath and fought off the growing lump of sob lodged in her throat. "Don't you dare even think to make this my fault, no matter what I decide happens."

"I said I was sorry and I meant it!"

"I'm not a priest! You can't confess to me and expect forgiveness. I'm your wife and you had a loyalty to me that you broke willingly. Sorry isn't going to fix this. Its not a broken plate, or a forgotten birthday. Since you can't figure it out let me point out to you, this is a hell of a lot bigger than that!"

She fell against the back of the couch refusing to succumb to tears. The hate Scott had feared was present and coursing through her body. Her hands clenched and released trying to regain control.

Scott was stone still, his jaw slack, mouth open like a stunned fish out of the bowl. 

They sat in silence, neither willing to speak. Julie's words lingered in the air pressing on their shoulders. Rational thought escaped her, leaving behind the rush of pulse in her eardrums. She closed her eyes and focused on the rhythm.

Several minutes passed, lulling Julie towards a hypnotic state until she caught herself twirling her wedding ring with her thumb. She contemplated the power of the small band of metal. No jeweler could ever remove the tarnish she would always see on its surface.

She dared a glance at Scott. He remained unmoving, elbows propped on knees and fingers tangled in his hair. His own wedding band glinted in the streetlight.

Clarity washed over her closely chased by certainty. She rotated her ring a few more turns and found the fortitude to stand. She crossed the room to stand before Scott as he raised his head.

Julie placed her hands on either side of his face and ran her thumbs over his cheeks. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion, but a hopeful smile tugged at his mouth.

"I do know there will always be a part of me that loves you." All the malice had left her voice.

Scott closed his eyes and covered her hands with his own.

She continued in her even tone. "But I also know that there will always be a part of me that will never forgive you."

Scott jerked away as if her hands had burned him. He opened his mouth to speak, but Julie stopped him by dropping her wedding and engagement rings into his palm with a tiny clink.

"And no god can force me to spend the rest of my life with a man I can't forgive."

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead before heading down the hall to the guest room.