Thank You for Holding

Jason never understood why people complained about having to work in the corporate world. He couldn't imagine a more perfect job. The massive herds of bodies moving through the building each day increased the average percentage of stupid the company employed, detracting attention from his own work ethic. He learned early on it was all about knowing the system: clock in and out on time and don't leave the phone on unavailable and they would hand you a customer service award.

He laced his fingers together behind his head and reclined in his ergonomic chair admiring the certificates tacked to the cubical wall. His cube mate Brian had tied him in number of awards the previous week and he was anxious to reclaim his title of master of the cubical.

"Are you ready to have a powerful day?" Brian asked grabbing his headset off the charger.

"My positive attitude says yes I am!" The plethora of motivational posters in break rooms around the building had become integrated into their daily conversations.

A flashing red light on Brian's phone chirped. "Looks like I'm up first!" He settled into his chair and cracked his knuckles. "It's a beautiful day a Wholesome Foods! My name is Taser, how can I help you?"

He started opening bookmarks on his desktop. "Wow you don't say? A human finger? How interesting. Do you have the packaging in front of you?"

Jason turned his full attention to Brian's call. They hadn't received an "I found a body part in my cereal" call in quite a while.

Brian grinned at his cohort knowing he had scored. "Alright sir, if you could be so kind to examine the package for me and check the front of the box. Now is this one of the specially marked packages marked "surprise inside"? Oh, it's not? There should be an ingredient list on the side panel. Yes, that's the one. Uh huh. Now do you see in the list the words "human finger"? No? It may be more generalized and listed as "human parts". Of course I'm being sincere, sir. Here at Wholesome Foods we care about quality control and all ingredients should be properly labeled. If that finger isn't on the list then we have some restructuring to look into. Hello?"

Bryan shook his head. "Two minutes? Lame. That call was gold! That was at least five minutes handed to you!"

"Nah, dude was sketched out from the beginning. Why do they try body parts? Don't they realized they stand a better chance saying it's a mouse or a roach?"

Before Jason could respond his phone lit up with an incoming call. "My turn!" He pressed the button on his ear piece and connected the call. "The Wholesome Foods family is so glad you called today! My name is Suzy, how can I make your day brighter? ... Sorry about that, I have a bit of a chest cold and it seems my voice is a little husky...Well thank you so much. I hope to feel better soon, too. What can I do for you today?"

A new email popped up in Brian's inbox and he groaned.

Granny!

Brian started a game of Tetris, waiting for his next call. Jason would kill this call easily and probably get her to take the survey at the end.

"I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed your recent purchase of Oaty O's. You must have the palate of a starving Ugandan toddler. Those kids will eat anything."

Jason spun his chair around and held up his hands to ask what Brian was doing.

"That's wonderful that you donate to starving children. You should consider shipping them a box of that sawdust flavored garbage you purchased...I'm sorry, this cold has me in such a snit. Oh thank you, thank you dear. Now lets get back to you. Oh could you excuse me for one moment?" Without moving the headset, Brian started to clear phlegm in his throat. "Oh, I'm sorry. Just one more moment."

He continued his less than hygienic purge as a wad of paper sailed past his head. He stifled a laugh as Brian mouthed the word 'nasty' at him.

"Alright dearie, I think we've discussed your fondness for Oaty O's to the point of slow painful death. Would you care to speak to the soulless automated system and provide feedback? Wonderful, just hold the line while I connect you."

He transferred the call and gave Brian a smug grin. "Three minutes, so that counts and I'm golden for another five before I get another call. And that is why I am Master of the Cubical."

"Not right now you aren't. I'll get ahead this time, too."

"Good morning boys! How are my superstars today?" The shrill pep of Mindy the supervisor descended upon them.

"Shining bright as ever, Mindy!" Brian answered.

"Mindy, you look great today." Jason added.

"Oh my, thank you so much, Jason. You always say the sweetest things."

"Normally I would call that shade of green vomit, but on you its more of an avocado. Very lovely." Jason flashed a wide smile as Mindy fumbled for a response.

A waving hand a few cubes over saved her. "Gotta get back to work! You boys never need a supervisor intervention. Makes my job so much easier." She scuttled off to help whoever belonged to the frantic hand and Brian's phone indicated a new victim.

"It's a glorious day at Wholesome Foods. Zeus would be happy to listen to your mortal complaint or compliment."

Jason shook his head and laughed. Wouldn't be long until Brian was offering to decimate fools with thunderbolts to right the caller's wrongs.

"Hey Jason," a less than enthused voice greeted.

"Sup, girl. How's it going?"

Sheila leaned against the frame to the cubical wall and blew her bangs out of her face. "I'm going on break. Wanna come with me?"

"We've only been here twenty minutes."

"Yeah, but its been a real shitty twenty minutes. I need a smoke."

"Nah, I'm good for a bit."

Sheila shrugged and turned to leave when she heard Brian tell his caller 'Zeus does not forgive such pathetic mistakes'. She raised an eyebrow at Jason. "I will never understand how you two weren't out on your asses months ago."

"Zeus will smite the incompetent oaf that dares to disappoint you!"  Brian waved to Sheila as she rolled her eyes at him.

"It's all about the charm. We've got more than we can handle."

Sheila snorted. "Charm, sure. If that's what you call it." She turned and walked off, then immediately changed direction to avoid Mindy.

Jason's phone alerted another call and he smiled. Five minutes was up and time to earn five more.